|EPISODE 508: CHANGING CHANNELS
|Dean: Well, whatever it was it chased Mr. Randolf through the woods, smashed to his front door, followed him up the stars and killed him in his bedroom. Is that common, a bear doing all that?
Cop: Depends how pissed of it is, I guess? That make a girlman weep and bears.
Sam: Right... Now, what about Mrs. Randolf? The file says she saw the whole thing.
Cop: Yeah, she did. My heart goes out to that poor woman.
Dean: And she said bear?
|Dean: (looks at a big big sandwich) I’m gonna need a bigger mouth
(Sam walks in the door).(.
Dean: Hey there Sam, what's happening?
Sam: Oh nothing, just the end of the world. You’re gonna need a bigger mouth. Hey uh, have you done your research yet?
Dean: Oh yeah, all kinds of research, all night.
(a half-naked woman comes out of bathroom)
Woman: Oh Deeeaan, we have some more research to do.
Sam: (makes a face to Dean) Deaaan.
Dean: (high) Son of a b*tch.
|Dean: What the hell?
Nurse (to Sam): Doctor, seriously!
Nurse: Seriously, you are brilliant, you know that. And a coward. You’re a brilliant coward.
Sam: Uh, what are you talking about?
Nurse: As if you don’t know!
|Mrs Randolph: Well, it's impossible, but I could have sworn I saw... the Incredible Hulk.
Sam: The Incredible Hulk?
Dean: Bana or Norton?
Mrs Randolph: Oh no, those movies were terrible. The TV Hulk.
Dean: Lou Ferrigno?
|Dean: I'm wearing sunglasses at night. You know who does that? No-talent douche bags.|
|Sam: Maybe the stake didn't work because it wasn't the Trickster.|
|Dean: Call it personal experience, but nobody gets that angry unless you're talking about their family.|
|Sam: Then help us stop it.
Trickster/Gabriel: It can't be stopped.
|Gabriel: You sorry sons of b*tches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father. And Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of daddy's plan. You two were born to this, boys! It's your destiny. It was always you. As it is in Heaven, so it must be on Earth. One brother has to kill the other.|
|(Sam has ended up in an advertisement for genital herpes)
Woman: I’ve got genital herpes.
Older man: I’ve got genital herpes.
Dean: (runs up) Hey.You’re the one who said play our roles. So uh...
Sam: Yeah. Right (looks at the ground, hands on hips, then back up at the camera) I’ve – got – genital herpes.
Woman: I tried to be responsible.
Older man: Did I try.
Sam: But now I take twice daily Herpexia, to reduce my chances of passing it on.
Woman: Ask your doctor about using Herpexia.
Dean’s voice: Patients should always consult with a physician before using Herpexia. Possible side effects include headache, diarrhea, permanent erectile dysfunction, thoughts of suicide, and nausea.
Sam: I am doing all I can to slightly lessen the spread of – of – of genital herpes. (smiling fakely) And that’s a good thing.
|(Dean is going through the trunk of Sam-Impala)
Sam: That – uh – feels really uncomfortable.
(Dean rolls his eyes and closes the trunk, hard)
|Sam: You sure this is gonna work?
Dean: No, but I have no other ideas. (stands in front of the Impala and looks up) Alright, you son of a b*tch! Uncle! We’ll do it!
Sam: Should I honk?
|Dean is laying face down on an operating table.
Nurse 1: BP’s eighty over fifty. And dropping. (Sam nods awkwardly).
Nurse 2: Doctor. (She is holding out an instrument).
Sam: What? (looks at her, then shakes his head at the instrument).
Dean: Sam! Do something. Come on.
Sam: (leans close). I don’t know how to use any of this crap! (whispers).
Dean: Figure it out! (Sam straightens up and smiles at all the nurses again).
Dean: Sam! Hurry up! I’m waiting.
Sam: Okay. I need a penknife, some dental floss, a sewing needle, and a fifth of whiskey (everyone stares at him). STAT!
|Trickster /Gabriel: Hi Castiel! (flicks his hand, and Cas disappears).
Dean: Where did you just send him?
Trickster /Gabriel: Relax! He’ll live. Mmmaybe...
Dean: Alright, you know what? I’m done with the monkey dance. Okay? We get it.
Trickster /Gabriel: Yeah? Get what, hotshot?
Dean: Playing our roles! Right? That’s your game.
Trickster /Gabriel: That’s half the game.
Sam: What’s the other half?
Trickster /Gabriel: Play your roles out there.
Dean: What’s that supposed to mean?
Trickster /Gabriel: Oh you know! Sam, starring as Lucifer. Dean, starring as Michael. Your celebrity death match! Play your roles!
Sam: You want us to say yes to those sons of *******?
Trickster /Gabriel: Hells yeah! Let’s light this candle!
Sam: We do that, the world will end.
Trickster /Gabriel: Yeah? And who’s fault is that? Who popped Lucifer out of the box? Hmm? Look. It started! You started it! It can’t be stopped. So let’s get it over with!
Dean: Heaven or Hell? Which side you on?
Trickster /Gabriel: I’m not on either side.
Dean: Yeah right. You’ll grab an ankle, Michael or Lucifer, which one is it?
Trickster /Gabriel: You listen to me, you arrogant dick. I don’t work for either of those S.O.B.s. Believe me.
Dean: Hmm. Oh, you’re somebody’s *****. (Trickster grabs him and flings him against the wall).
Trickster /Gabriel: Don’t you ever – ever –presume to know what I am. Now listen very closely. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna suck it up, accept your responsibilities, and play the roles that destiny has chosen for you.
Sam: if we don’t?
Trickster /Gabriel: Then you’ll stay here in TV land. Forever. 300 channels, and nothing’s on. (snaps his fingers).
|(Trickster appears after Dean called him)
Trickster /Gabriel: Wow! Sam! Get a load of the rims on you.
Sam/Impala: Eat me.
Trickster /Gabriel: Okay boys. Ready to go quietly?
Dean: Whoa whoa whoa. Not so fast. Nobody’s going anywhere until Sam has opposable thumbs.
Trickster /Gabriel: What’s the difference? Satan’s gonna ride his ass one way or another. (Dean glares at him. The Trickster sighs, snaps his fingers, and Sam climbs out of the car). Happy?
Dean: Tell me one thing. Why didn’t the stake kill you?
Trickster /Gabriel: Well I am the Trickster.
Dean: Or maybe you’re not. (Sam holds up a lighter, drops it onto the ground. A ring of fire goes up around the Trickster). Maybe you’ve always been an angel.
Trickster /Gabriel: (laughs) A what? Did somebody slip a mickey in your powershake, kid?
Dean: I’ll tell you what. You just jump out of the holy fire, and we’ll call it our mistake.
Trickster /Gabriel: (After a while Trickster starts to clap, laughs again, then stops. The woods and conservation area around them disappears. They’re back in the mill again). Well played, boys. Well played. Where’d you get the holy oil?
Dean: Well you might say we pulled it out of Sam’s ass.
Trickster /Gabriel: Where’d I screw up?
Sam: You didn’t. But nobody gets the jump on Cas like you did.
Dean: Mostly it was the way you talked about Armageddon.
Trickster /Gabriel: Meaning?
Dean: Well, call it personal experience, but nobody gets that angry unless they’re talking about their own family.
Sam: So which one are you? Grumpy, Sneezy or Douchey?
Trickster /Gabriel: Gabriel, okay? They call me Gabriel.
Sam: Gabriel. The archangel.
Trickster /Gabriel: Guilty.
Dean: Okay, Gabriel. How does an archangel become a Trickster?
Trickster /Gabriel: My own private witness protection. I skipped out of Heaven, had a face transplant, carved out my own little corner of the world. Till you two screwed it all up.
Dean: And what did Daddy say when you ran off and joined the pagans?
Trickster /Gabriel: Daddy doesn’t say anything about anything.
Sam: Then what happened? Why did you ditch?
Dean: Well do you blame him? I mean his brothers are heavy-weight douchenozzles.
Trickster /Gabriel: (angrily) Shut your cakehole! You don’t know anything about my family. I love my father. My brothers. Love them! But watching them turn on each other? Tear at each others throats? I couldn’t bear it! Okay? So I left. And now it’s happening all over again.
Sam: Then help us stop it!
Trickster /Gabriel: It can’t be stopped.
Dean: You wanna see the end of the world?
Trickster /Gabriel: (shouts) I want it to be over! I have to sit back and watch my own brothers kill each other, thanks to you two! Heaven, Hell, I don’t care who wins! I just want it to be over!
Sam: It doesn’t have to be like that. There has to be some way to pull the plug.
Trickster /Gabriel: (laughs) You do not know my family! What you guys call the Apocalypse? I used to call Sunday dinner. That’s why there’s no stopping this. Because this isn’t about a war. It’s about two brothers that loved each other, and betrayed each other. You think you’d be able to relate.
Sam: What’re you talking about?
Trickster /Gabriel: (whistles) You sorry sons of *******. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael – the big brother. Loyal to an absent father. And Lucifer – the little brother. Rebellious of daddy’s plan. You were born to this, boys. It’s your destiny! It was always you! ‘As it is in Heaven, so it must be on Earth’. One brother has to kill the other.
Dean: So what the hell are you saying?
Trickster /Gabriel: Why do you think I’ve always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always. (Dean looks at Sam).
Dean: No. That’s not gonna happen.
Trickster /Gabriel: I’m sorry. But it is. Guys... I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers... endings wrapped up in a bow. But this is real. And it’s gonna end bloody for all of us. That’s just how it’s gotta be. (after a moment of silence) So... boys. Now what? Stare at each other for the rest of eternity?
Dean: Well first of all, you’re gonna bring Cas back from wherever you stashed him.
Trickster /Gabriel: Oh am I?
Dean: Yeah. Or we’re going to dunk you in some holy oil, and deep fry ourselves an archangel. (Gabriel rolls his eyes, but snaps his fingers. Cas appears).
Dean: Cas, you okay?
Cas: I’m fine. Hello Gabriel.
Trickster /Gabriel: (smiles) Hey bro. How’s the search for Daddy going? Let me guess. Awful! (Cas glares at him).
Dean: Okay, we’re out of here. Come on, Sam.
Trickster /Gabriel: Uh, okay. Uh, guys? So – so what? You’re just gonna – you’re gonna leave me here forever?
Dean: No. We’re not. Because we don’t screw with people, like you do. And for this record? This isn’t about some prize fight between your brothers. Or some destiny that can’t be stopped. This is about you, being too afraid to stand up to your family! (pulls fire alarm, sprinklers turn on). Don’t say I never did anything for you.
(Gabriel watches them leave).
|(Sam and Dean talk about Bill Randolph case).
Sam: So, a hot-head, getting killed by TV’s greatest hot-head. Kinda sounds like just desserts, doesn’t it. It’s all starting to make sense.
Dean: How is it starting to make sense?
Sam: Well, I found something else at the crime scene. Candy wrappers. Lots of them.
Dean: Just desserts. Sweet tooth. Screwing with people before you kill them – we’re dealing with a trickster, aren’t we?
Sam: Sure looks like.
Dean: Good. I’ve wanted to gank that mother since the Mystery Spot.
Sam: You sure?
Dean: Yeah I’m sure.
Sam: No, I mean are you sure you wanna kill him?
Dean: Son of a ***** didn’t think twice about icing me. A thousand times.
Sam: No, I know, I mean –I’m just saying...
Dean: What are you saying? If you don’t wanna kill him, then what?
Sam: Talk to him? Look, think about it, Dean. He’s one of the most powerful creatures we’ve ever met. Maybe we can use him.
Dean: For what?
Sam: Okay – Trickster’s like a Hugh Hefner type, right? Wine, women, song – maybe he doesn’t want the party to end! Maybe he hates this angels and demons stuff as much as we do. Maybe he’ll help us.
Dean: You’re serious? Ally with the trickster.
Dean: A bloody, violent monster, and you wanna be Facebook friends with him? Nice, Sammy.
Sam: The world is gonna end, Dean. We don’t have the luxury of a moral stand. Look, I’m just saying, it’s worth a shot. That’s all. If it doesn’t work, we’ll kill him.
Dean: How’re we gonna find the guy, anyway?
Sam: Well he never takes just one victim, right? He’ll show.
Back to: Season 5 Episodes